If I Had Legs I’d Kick You (Non-Spoiler) Review

When I first heard that Conan O’Brien would be making his acting debut, drama wasn’t exactly the first thing that came to mind. So if a script could pull him out of his comfort zone, it had to be a damn good one.

Overview

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a 2025 psychological comedy-drama written and directed by Mary Bronstein and produced by A24. It stars Rose Byrne as Linda, a therapist and mother whose life slowly unravels under the weight of her daughter’s illness, a collapsing home, and her own emotional exhaustion.

Plot and Direction

Linda’s daughter develops a severe aversion to food, forcing nightly tube feedings and pushing Linda into a constant state of vigilance. When the ceiling in their Montauk apartment collapses and her husband Charles (played by Christian Slater) leaves for work, Linda is left to manage everything alone from a nearby motel.

Bronstein’s direction is patient and piercing. She doesn’t rush Linda’s breakdown — instead, she lets every awkward silence, every moment of misplaced calm, build into something suffocating. Conversations that should offer comfort instead reveal isolation, and Bronstein’s refusal to over-explain keeps the story grounded and painfully real.

Rose Byrne’s Performance

Rose Byrne gives one of her most emotionally exposed performances to date. As Linda, she moves through exhaustion, guilt, and denial with devastating precision. There’s no melodrama here — just quiet collapse. Byrne makes every hesitation and every forced smile feel like an act of survival. It’s an unflinching portrayal of a woman who’s both caretaker and casualty, trying to stay composed as her world literally and emotionally falls apart.

Conan O’Brien’s Performance

The film’s biggest surprise comes from Conan O’Brien, who plays Linda’s therapist. Known for his sharp wit and comedic timing, O’Brien turns that same rhythm inward — using pauses, politeness, and false warmth to unsettling effect. His character listens intently but never seems to truly hear, creating a slow, chilling disconnect that mirrors Linda’s own emotional distance.

What makes O’Brien’s performance remarkable is his restraint. He never plays the role for irony or recognition; instead, he dissolves into it, transforming familiar comedic habits into tools of quiet menace. His calm composure becomes the film’s most unnerving presence — a portrait of professional empathy turned hollow. It’s a startlingly good turn that reframes what O’Brien is capable of on screen.

Supporting Roles

Danielle Macdonald appears as one of Linda’s clients, a new mother who abandons her baby mid-session, while A$AP Rocky plays James, the motel superintendent whose interactions with Linda blur the line between intimacy and avoidance. Christian Slater, as her husband, brings just enough distance to make his absence sting. Together, they fill out the world around Linda without distracting from her descent.

Themes and Tone

At its core, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is about burnout — emotional, maternal, and existential. The film captures the absurdity of trying to remain functional when the structures of your life no longer hold. Bronstein uses therapy sessions, domestic chaos, and even physical disaster to probe what happens when empathy itself becomes exhausting.

The tone is a mix of dark humor and creeping dread. It’s not a film that offers catharsis; instead, it leaves you suspended in the discomfort of recognition.

Cinematography and Editing

Shot by Christopher Messina and edited by Lucian Johnston, the film’s visual and rhythmic language traps the viewer inside Linda’s world. Tight framing, dim interiors, and suffocating stillness reflect her inner turmoil. Every cut feels deliberate — less about narrative flow than emotional disorientation. Even moments of silence sound heavy, as if the air itself has stopped moving.

Final Verdict

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a raw, emotionally charged portrait of collapse — personal, professional, and maternal. Rose Byrne delivers one of her finest performances, anchoring the film with aching vulnerability, while Conan O’Brien provides its most haunting surprise, turning stillness and civility into something quietly terrifying.

Verdict: A tense, darkly funny, and deeply human study of unraveling — powered by Byrne’s control and O’Brien’s unnerving restraint.

Rating: ★★★★☆ (4 / 5)